Power Struggles

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly playing Tug of War with your child? Do you ever feel like they misbehave just to piss you off? You’re not alone!  

Ever since children were invented (humor, of course) parents have struggled with how to get them to listen and do as they’re told. 

We ask them to do something, they say “no” or ignore us. We YELL…then maybe they comply. The problem is, when they comply because we’re yelling, we are not teaching them to cooperate. We are teaching them to react out of fear or intimidation. 

Have you ever stopped and really thought about WHY your child feels the need to fight for power?

It is human nature to need a certain amount of power. When a child feels like they have little or no power, they will do whatever they can to get it.

So how do we avoid getting into power struggles with our kids?

I’m going to tell you something that you probably already know but rarely listen to…When you take care of YOURSELF you are better equipped to take care of your CHILDREN and handle stress when it appears. 

Self-care is a VERY important part of avoiding power struggles. Since this blog is not about Self-care (I’ll save that for another post), I’ll say this… Self-care does not have to be something elaborate or take time you don’t have. It is simply finding something that brings joy or makes you feel good.  Can you name out loud 1 thing that brings you joy that you can do in 5 minutes or less?  

Back to Power Struggles…

Here are some steps to ending the power STRUGGLES while still giving them some POWER

1. Don’t join the chaos.  Simple – don’t pick up the other end of the tug-of-war rope.

2. Give them choices, not orders.  Always give at least 2 choices that are acceptable to you regardless of which one they choose. When we give them ORDERS, we are TAKING that power away.
   
   An example of giving 2 choices:  You ask her to clean up her toys. She says “No”. You can choose to join the power battle or you can say “ Would you like to pick up your dolls or your puzzle first?”
   
   This is giving her power, but you are still getting what you want from her. It’s a Win-Win.

3. Find a way to reconnect or redirect – If you feel a situation escalating, it’s perfectly acceptable to just say “Hey, how about after dinner, we play a game together.”
   We’re not rewarding the poor behavior. But we are choosing not to join the chaos and taking a step to reconnect and build a stronger relationship with your child, which in turn leads to filling that attention bucket we talked about earlier.
   
   With younger children it’s often easy to redirect their attention. This is best with preschoolers.
   It is done BEFORE the behavior happens, as you see the situation escalating.
   Simply guide the child away from the troubling behavior, towards a more appropriate behavior

4. Use the When / Then tool.  This tool is simple and effective. It’s a way of phrasing your words in a manner that leaves little room for negotiating.
   It clearly states your EXPECTATION and a positive result that will come once the expectation is met…then you calmly walk away, removing the possibility of an argument.
   
   Examples:
   “WHEN you clean up your toys, THEN you can play outside.”  Then Walk away.
   “WHEN you finish your lunch, THEN you can have a cookie.” Then Walk away.

WALK AWAY!
It shows them there is no room for negotiating while still leaving the power in their hands.
The statement gives the child a choice about how they want to behave, and removes you from the stress.

As always, I’ll leave you with this question that I hope will encourage Villager Conversations…

What is something you did once that helped diffuse or avoid a Power Struggle with your child?